im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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