He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
