awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
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