I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Randomize
