in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
