my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Randomize
