mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Randomize
