it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
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