Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
