I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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