My hand turned me down
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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