she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Randomize
