I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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