i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Randomize
