he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
