He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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