And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
