You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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