When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
