I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
