I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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