Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Randomize
