I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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