she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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