I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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