I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Randomize
