i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Randomize
