I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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