just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
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