this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Randomize
