You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
Randomize
