Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
