So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize