Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
