I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
