i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
