Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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