someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
