Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
