True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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