and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize