I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
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