I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize