Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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