I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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