Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize