Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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