morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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