i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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