got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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