come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Randomize
