running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
we're making bets on your personal life
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
