if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
