thus making me awesome and them whores
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
