My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Randomize
