i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize